You need to change your mindset, my dear. A boy who has been brought up by wolves will never understand the point of cutlery. A person who has spent their entire life on an isolated island will never know the beauty of the world they could uncover if they were to ride the waves. If you keep accepting what you have been told you will never discover the path that is yours. Totally, and immeasurably, yours.
MP..
More writing on Facebook, check it out! Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? And a cherry.
If someone were to ask me, ‘What is the thing you fear the most?’, I would say without hesitation, ‘To die with regret’. Not a regret of things I have not done, but a regret of not attempting to do the things I could so easily have done. You see, in the moment, things seem difficult, you give that difficulty more credit than it deserves. You think the pain of leaving your family will be too hard to bear, you think the guilt of disappointing them will sour everything you achieve by taking that first step, you think fear is crippling, you think loneliness is undesirable. And collectively all of these things add up to say, ‘My dream is not worth fighting for. I am not worthy of happiness.’ And soon time takes over, it pushes you on in your life and each day you spend making excuses is another day not lived. I am already 21 and each day that I am not out there seeing all the things I want to see, doing all the things I want to do, is a source of constant regret. At the side of my bed I have a notebook, and at the end of every day, if I do not feel satisfied, if I do not go to bed happy and grateful to be alive, if I can not say, ‘Today was a good day’, I draw one empty circle. I began this when I was eleven. So far I have completed three full notebooks, cover to cover, each page filled with tens of circles. Ten years, three notebooks. That’s a lot of empty days. I knew at the age of eleven that those empty circles would characterise the majority of my days and so I decided that it would be the empty days that I would document. But it was a choice made with the knowledge that in the future a day would come when I would carry with me notebooks packed to the brim with circles filled with every colour of the rainbow.
When I tell people about my very present and constant fear that I am wasting my life, they tell me ‘you’re 21, no one has their life sorted by then, no one has done any of the things they want to do by then, you’re still studying, sort your life out first and then go out and do all the things you want to do.’ But you see, that doesn’t sit well with me. Not at all. We have one life. One life. That’s it. And this world; this world is a treasure trove, it is filled with so much beauty, hidden and obvious, it is filled with people with extraordinary lives, hidden secrets, unique experiences, it is filled with places that will take your breath away, places that you could spend a lifetime in and never truly be able to get used to. I want to travel as far as this world will take me, without a plan, without a direction. I want a compass that doesn’t point north but instead takes me to the exact place that I need to go, at that moment, at that point in my life. I want simplicity, I want to reconnect to this earth, to the people that carry with them an immeasurable amount of goodness if only given a chance, I want to rediscover the beauty of silence. It’s a longing that I can’t seem to control; it creeps into my life more and more frequently as each day goes by, I think of these urges and my heart swells so much it hurts. Wanderlust is the only word that comes close to how I feel.
This very simple truth, that we have one chance, is why I fight so strongly for the freedom of others, why I feel so much pain every time I hear of a life taken before its time, why I am constantly brought to tears when I see this earth, these animals, being destroyed as if there is somewhere else to run to. It is why religion is something I can not come to terms with. It goes against everything that I am. When someone tells me that if I suffer in this world, I will be rewarded in the next, for me it is an unforgivable method of rationalising the situation. That is not to say that I think religion is bad or wrong, I do not. I just know with an unbelievably strong certainty that it is something that does not, and will not, work for me. It goes against the very essence of my identity. I am so grateful for the things that I already have in my life and I appreciate them that much more because I have worked hard for them, I have fought for them, even when the odds were against me. Those odds came in all shapes and sizes and many a time its form took, and still takes, that of religion. I have achieved things that I never thought I would ever be able to attain, there are people in my life for whom I have a love I can not even begin to describe, a love I never even thought I was capable of experiencing. These people have made me realise that I do not need to change who I am, I do not need to be somebody that I am not, that all I have to do is be myself and try to do that perfectly. And that my life is in my own hands, it is my chance to experience things and make a decision that feels right for me. ‘You are enough’.
I know that when the time comes when I have to make that decision, to pursue my own dreams and to remove the things that seem to contradict my identity, it will be a hard choice. It will bring pain and disappointment to the people that I love. But it is a choice that I have to make. I do not blame anyone for the circumstances in which I am in. All I can say is this; if you have the chance to make your dreams come true and it doesn’t involve the pain and misery that mine does, be grateful to the universe because it has blessed you. And take that chance, grasp it and don’t let it go. Don’t waste it. And if you, like me, are faced with decisions that do involve such pain, if you feel that you are sacrificing your own happiness for others, if you feel that the guilt will be too strong to bear; we humans are remarkable creatures, we have the ability to deal with the most painful of moments and the heaviest of burdens. Never doubt yourself because you are capable of anything when the time comes. ‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have’. And remember; you have one chance in this life, regardless of what comes after. One shot. There are enough opportunities in this life to make it a great one, all it takes is for you to take the first step and suddenly you will realise that it is much easier than you thought it would be. And so worth it. Take each chance, live without regrets, and make sure each circle of your life is overflowing with happiness.
All things are one! ♥
Thank you to each and every person in my life, no matter how big or small a part you play within it. And thank YOU amawjus, for sharing this journey with me. ‘Happiness is only real when shared’ ♥
Do you remember the days we’d spend, dancing on rainbows underneath the stained glass doors? Do you remember the way the sunlight would beam through the cathedral walls, capturing our essence within the dust particles it would illuminate? Did you see the glass shatter, leaving nothing but arched holes in our hearts? Did you see the colours seep away into the gutters, like the chalk drawings we used to paint on the pavement and then blast away with a hose? Did you even notice the shadows as they creeped silently into our souls, leaving nothing but a menacing abyss of broken memories that we once called home.
MP..
Please do check out my new Facebook page for more writing!
When you’re willing to stand at the summit of a mountain and scream out ‘I love my life!’ and cause avalanches in the depths of your soul, when you’re willing to shed off this layer of self-loathing and tell yourself you are beautiful, when you’re willing to say you are worth being loved. Yes, when you are willing, then I will travel faster than a thirsty cheetah runs to the watering hole to make you believe it all. But it is you and only you that can take that first step.
When you are willing.
MP..
Please check out and like my new Facebook page, it would mean so, so much! Getting a bit desperate here seeing I’ve only had two likes, and I know, I shouldn’t base my ideas of self-worth on the likes on a page but I so desperately want to succeed in my writing and of course, desperate times call for desperate measures! If you have any advice whatsoever it would be greatly appreciated!
Pump that music up. Pump it so high that every drum beat beats out the feelings from you. Turn it up so loud that it hurts. Take that pain and make it yours. Own it. Show it you are in control. Make it replace deeper hurts, hurts you can’t bear to stand anymore. Don’t think about them. They aren’t in your hands to control. But this pain, this pain from the music that won’t go any louder, THAT is yours to control. In those minutes you stand alone, at the edge of space. You see galaxies swirling out before you. In that music there is nothing but the silence of your resting heart. This heart, this weary heart that has been begging to lie still for longer than you can tell. Suddenly it hears those drum beats, it sucks them up, it refuels long after the last drop had been spent. It expands with the galaxies, it swallows stars into the black holes of your eyes, your eyes that have gazed at those very stars every night for a decade. Take each and every one in, don’t forget a single one. If you are not set to burst, if you are not set to explode, then how can you ever reach your own supernova?
Fall upon your knees, sing ‘this is my body and soul here’
Fall upon your knees, sing ‘you’ve got the power and control’
I’ve tried much too long to be positive, I’ve tried much too long to try and take things as they come with a smile on my face, to continuously remind myself that things will be okay, that all things happen for a reason, that all things are one. This blog replaced another, much darker one, filled with my insecurities, doubts, fears, suicidal thoughts, dealings of depression. I thought I had overcome it but the more I have tried to convince myself of this the more I know with utmost certaintly that I am nowhere near overcoming it, in fact I am further down than I have ever been. I have been realising a very simple truth these past few weeks, maybe even months; I AM NOT A MUSLIM. I never have been and I never will be. I have always known this truth on some subconcious level, and now that truth, a truth I have tried to deny for far too long, is stuck out in front of me, following me everywhere I go, lighting up with neon bulbs every time I put this headscarf on and walk out the door, everytime I read the name of god written in 3-foot tall letters above my bed. There is one thing I would never want to be, and that is a hypocrite. But I have been a hypocrite for the last 21 years of my life. This religion is not for me. I am not asking for attention, this isn’t an excuse because I want to go out and get drunk, eat pork and have sex. It is much more than that. It is rooted in the very fibres of my being, it goes against every thing that I am. I am torn apart inside myself in ways I don’t even have the strength to begin to tell. I want to tell someone my story but I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Do you think it is possible to start again? To open your eyes one day in a different life? I have sat here in desperation, begging a god I don’t think exists to make this happen for me, to allow me the chance of a fresh start, a new life. I want to walk out, I have been thinking about it for weeks. I want to walk out of this house, out of Birmingham, out of England, and never come back. I am desperate to do it. But I don’t have the means to. And even if I did, how can I do that to my family? How can I say goodbye forever, and know that I will never see them again? I have made so many sacrifices for them, I have thrown every chance of happiness I have wanted so far away for them. Would I be crazy enough to finally grasp one? Can I walk away? Can I start again?
Even if every hill and mountain and wall of waves stood between us, I just want you to take me into your arms, hold my face with your earth-smelling hands, wipe my tears away and tell me one thing. Don’t tell me it’s going to be alright, we both know it won’t be. Just tell me this; that even if one day our feet will have to hit the floor, at least we jumped, at least, in that moment, that swift and fleeting moment, we were flying.
MP..
For more random snippets of words, or to add your own, check out my Facebook page (if you want). I absolutely hate being like one of those commentators on YouTube videos begging people to check out their covers, but the fact I’ve resorted to it shows how much I want it. Or how desperate I am. Or both. Or maybe I’m just sad. Either way, this is a taste of what’s on there!
Be sure to check out my new Facebook page, I just set it up and two likes is definitely not what I was aiming for! It’s a page for writing, about anything, by anyone! If you want to contribute anonymously (or not!) send a message on the page or leave a comment on here and I’ll be sure to post it up 🙂
Don’t even think about calling me broken. The plates of this earth was once a whole, but it broke to form the pieces that you now call home. And those cuts have made way to unveil the darkest depths of the ocean where no man can go for fear of being crushed, where amazing creatures light up the darkness and hold secrets within each breath. You think the ocean is deep? My cuts run far deeper, my secrets are much blacker, and my dreams are brighter than any light you can imagine.
Call me broken. I dare you.
MP..
If you want to read more or contribute your own writing to my new Facebook page, check it out here! And hey, if you like it, show it! Click the like button! 😀
Recently I have found myself within the world of typewriter poetry, and oh what an amazing world it is! I am absolutely in love with reading those little snippets of gold, addicted to finding new hidden talents and finding pieces written so perfectly I have felt this person I have never met knows all my darkest secrets. And it’s inspiring! So much so that I’ve set up my first sort of Facebook page focussed on being able to write little things that come to mind. As usual it’s anonymous and is not something I want to share on my actual Facebook profile. Where better to share it then here! I want it to be an open platform through which anyone can share their writing and contribute, anonymously or not. So if you do fancy having a read or contributing a piece, a photo, a topic suggestion, please do have a look!
Lots of love to you all!
All things are one! ♥
P.S. If anyone has any advice about getting a page on Facebook seen more please do share, it would mean a lot!
Musings of a Procastinator 